Relatively Pointless
by wilfred the pickle
Summary: AU. Miles Edgeworth is a new agent working for the SOAU-the Supernatural Occurrence Analysis Unit. His probation officer/handler/annoying adult who likes to tease him is Phoenix Wright, a legend in the SOAU. After a possible zombie infection begins to take the city by storm, the two agents are instructed to evacuate a building. It doesn't go well. Tentatively labelled humor.
1. Chapter 1

**NOTE:**

**Ohmygod this was meant to be a cute zombie apocalypse oneshot but turned into a massively-long incredibly AU oneshot that had to be broken up into parts. God. I'm sorry. Thank you to a friend of mine who came up with theprompt Iin the first place.**

**This takes place in a weird AU where the canon characters are all different ages. Mia and Maya are still children, while Edgeworth is Apollo's age and Phoenix and Ema are their AJ-selves. I hope that's not too confusing .**

**WARNINGS: A later one for gore, probably for language later on. I'll decide later whether it's slash or not, because right now, I have no idea where this monster is going in terms of romance.**

* * *

_Kurain Village Tour Guide_

_Page 3_

_Kurain Village is considered to be located in one of the most beautiful places in the world. Surrounded by beautiful mountains, stunning waterfalls and a clear blue sky, it's the perfect place to spend a relaxing day, with our many tourist attractions such as the hot pools, our market, and of course the spirit channelers themselves._

* * *

_The Diary of Mia Fey_

_Tuesday 19 August 2016_

_3:40 pm_

Dear Diary,

First of all I'd like to say to you, my dearest, first and probably last diary, welcome. This will be my first entry in your many pages and quite possibly my last, as I see my baby sister Maya waddling over with an angry look and a clenched fist. It's the look she gets when she wants to rip something apart, and nothing is safe from her five-year-old wrath. Not even your pristine white pages. Which probably aren't going to be very white anymore seeing as Maya and her friends will draw on _anything_ and they're running out of walls.

Secondly, I'd like to explain why I'm starting a diary in the first place. Don't be offended, but it was not by choice. Apparently since I haven't been applying myself to written studies classes as much as I have been to channeling classes I have to keep a diary to show that I really do understand how to write. I think it's dumb. Again, no offence.

Thirdly, see that brochure about Kurain Village I tucked in between your pages? That's where we live. Kurain Village, home of the Fey spirit channelers. I'm Mia Fey, one of those aforementioned spirit channellers. I'm sure you've heard of us before.

Anyway, my point: that brochure? _A pack. Of. Lies._

Beautiful? Sure, if you're like sixty years old and love mountains and _nothing_ else. You know what the brochure doesn't say? _There's not even any reception!_ We're completely cut off from the outside world, from freaking civilization. It's amazing we all function so well. Also, if there's a massive storm we're all going to die, because we're right on top of a hill and we'll just slide right off the top when all the dirt turns to slippery mud. Great job architects. _Greeeeeaaat_ job.

Oh god, Maya's gotten into the paint supply again. This isn't going to end well. See you later, I guess.

Sincerely,

Mia Fey

* * *

To: Ema Skye (edgeworthfangurl4eva ), Dick Gumshoe (misosoupman )

From: Lana Skye (lanaskye )

Subject: URGENT - POSSIBLE SUPERNATURAL OCCURANCE INVESTIGATION

Greetings both of you,

A supernatural occurrence has been located in the vicinity of Kurain Village at the co-ordinates 51:32. Please have your go-bag ready and be fully prepared to leave at 1800 hours on 19 August. (That's today, Gumshoe. I know you can't quite afford a calendar.)

Please note that this is a HIGH RISK operation and HIGHLY CLASSIFIED. (Ema, I have blocked your internet access until midnight tonight to comply with the contract you signed following your recent suspension, caused by a violation of the privacy guidelines here at the Supernatural Occurrence Analysis Unit. That was as big of an embarrassment for me as it was for you.) You will be debriefed fully at the departure gates.

DEPARTURE TIME: 1800 hours

DATE: 19 August 2016

OCCURANCE: Possible reanimated corpse

RISK LEVEL: High

CLASSIFICATION: Highly classified

Good luck. You'll be needing it.

-Lana Skye

/\/\/\/\

To: Lana Skye (lanaskye ), Ema Skye (edgeworthfangurl4eva )

From: Dick Gumshoe (misosoupman )

Subject: Re: URGENT - POSSIBLE SUPERNATURAL OCCURANCE INVESTIGATION

Dear boss,

Are those even real co-ordinates, pal? I can't make head or tail of them! Fifty-one-thirty to where?!

-Dick Gumshoe

/\/\/\/\

To: Dick Gumshoe (misosoupman ), Ema Skye (edgeworthfangurl4eva )

From: Lana Skye (lanaskye )

Subject: Re: Re: URGENT - POSSIBLE SUPERNATURAL OCCURANCE INVESTIGATION

Gumshoe, if you don't know how to read the specialized SOAU coordinates then I'm afraid you shouldn't be here. Tomorrow morning you'll find a trainee's textbook sitting on your desk. Read it.

-Lana Skye

/\/\/\/\

To: Lana Skye (lanaskye ), Dick Gumshoe (misosoupman )

From: Ema Skye (edgeworthfangurl4eva )

Subject: Re: URGENT - POSSIBLE SUPERNATURAL OCCURANCE INVESTIGATION

Hey, will Agent Edgeworth be there? The last time we didn't quite get to finish our talk on the effects of diazepamomoxychloridumsulfate on the human brain. I mean, imagine what diazepamomoxychloridiumsulfate could do when combined with amexylylaxiapotassiumnitrichloride! Say, why exactly did you send him off on that secret job just as our talk about nitroacidicaluminuimoxymoronionphosphate was getting interesting...?

-Ema Skye

/\/\/\/\

To: Ema Skye (edgeworthfangurl4eva ), Dick Gumshoe (misosoupman )

From: Lana Skye (lanaskye )

Subject: Re: Re: URGENT - POSSIBLE SUPERNATURAL OCCURANCE INVESTIGATION

Hopefully Agent Edgeworth will not be joining you on any investigation for the rest of his career.

-Lana Skye

* * *

_August 19 2016_

_Kurain Hill_

_3:50 pm_

"I hate this job."

SOAU Scene Investigator Dick Gumshoe sighed for what felt like the umpteenth time. "I know, pal. You've told me."

"I wanted to be put into the Occurrence Science department. Not the..._climbing-up-a-steep-hill-and-getting-sweaty_ department. Ema huffed and crossed her arms. "This is a waste of my talents."

"I guess that's our dead not-dead guy." Gumshoe pointed to a large lump of what looked like a ball of blood, torn clothes and blue-grey, rotting skin. The figure lay unmoving, surrounded by technicians wearing hazmat suits and plastic visors covering their faces. A few were taking samples, and one was checking the restraints that kept the figure safely secured to the ground.

"Doesn't look like any particular fatal injury is present," Ema noted, walking up to the corpse and pulling on forensic gloves-the one part of the job she loved. "And yet his...her? _It's_ pupils are unresponsive," she added, peering closely at the corpse's face, "and there's signs of advanced skin decomposition, practically bald due to advanced hair loss..." She reached out and pinched the skin lightly, not even flinching when some of it came away in her gloved palm. "No skin turgor. You know, if he didn't have such an unnatural skin colour...this guy could just be a regular corpse."

"And even then, the skin tone could be easily explained," Gumshoe muttered. "Hey pal!" he asked one of the technicians.

"What? I'm f-fine sir!" came a squeaked reply from under the visor. "Never been better!"

Gumshoe frowned. "I...I know, pal. Listen, why's this guy here restrained?"

Without warning, the corpse suddenly growled and with a mighty swipe, almost managed to graze Ema's skin. The investigator yelped and quickly drew her hand away, like it was a vicious dog about to attack her. One of the other technicians scrambled over and quickly administered a sedative, watching the creature wilt, before collapsing to the ground. Ema idly noticed the broken restraints on the ground as she got to her feet.

"That's..." The first technician swallowed and took a deep breath. "That's why he's restrained."

"Yeah, not well enough," Ema muttered darkly.

An older technician came over and smiled pleasantly through his visor, which Gumshoe found quite disturbing. "I presume there's nothing left to be discovered on the exterior of the corpse..."

"We're ready to take a look inside," Ema nodded. "Who wants to do the honours?"

"I think young Apollo here should do it," the smiling technician suggested."

The first technician blinked a little. "M-me?" he stammered, eyes darting. "Well sure, but...I don't know if I can-"

"Do it on the first try?" The older man chuckled and slapped Apollo on the back. "Relax. Nobody does it on the first try."

Apollo still looked a little green around the gills, but he nodded. 'Uhh. Okay. _Okay! _I can do this. Where's the-where's the thingy?"

The older technician smirked and handed Apollo the 'thingy' in question-a large, gunlike object with a very thin barrel. "It's already loaded. With two bullets, just in case you miss the first one."

Apollo gulped and took the gun from him. "Yes, Kristoph sir," he stammered, pulling the visor back down over his head. Ema and Gumshoe joined him as they walked over to the still corpse.

"Remember how to do this?" Ema joked, elbowing the young technician gently.

"We're right behind you, pal," Gumshoe offered as he took a step back. Things got messy from this point, and while Ema probably didn't mind blood splatter all over her clothes, he preferred having his trench coat relatively clean and blood-free. It wasn't like he could afford to buy another one, after all.

Apollo cleared his throat and aimed the gun with all the confidence and precision of someone who had never actually aimed a gun before in their life. "Uh…you might want to stand back."

* * *

SOAU Technician Trainee's Handbook

Chapter 5, page 1: Destroying a specimen

After a creature has been externally examined by the investigators assigned, it is the job of the technician (or technicians) to 'destroy' a specimen, namely, shoot a tiny nanobullet into the brain of the creature, letting the investigators take a closer look inside the specimen's brain to determine the cause of the anomaly. To successfully destroy a specimen, the technician must:

A. Line up the barrel of the gun with the specimen's head.

B. Lift the lever to the side of the barrel that releases the safety.

* * *

_August 19 2016_

_Kurain Hill_

_4:00 pm_

_**BANG**_

* * *

SOAU Technician Trainee's Handbook

Chapter 5, page 2: Destroying a specimen

C. Shoot.

* * *

The Diary of Mia Fey

Tuesday 19 August 2016

4:00 pm

Dear Diary,

I know I only wrote in you like twenty minutes ago but something weird just happened and I need to write it down.

So I was by the big window in Maya's room trying to get her hands off my special edition Steel Samurai cassettes that took a ridiculous amount of persuasion to get Aunt Morgan to buy when there was this really weird noise from outside. So I looked out, and...there were people standing on the hill in the distance, and...and I think they shot someone in the head.

I'm serious.

Do I tell anyone? What if they come after me? Are they gonna kill me?! Is everyone here in mortal danger?! Should I go to the police?! Heck, should I just run? Maybe if I start running now, they won't realize I'm gone until I'm in Brazil or Turkey or another African country and by then it'll be far too late...

...Or maybe I'm taking this way too seriously?

Oh wait. There's someone knocking at the door. Well...pounding on it. Or slamming up against it. Whatever. Whoever it is, they're making a lot of noise. I'd better see who it is...I won't bother signing out. It'll just be some lost tourist or a salesman. Probably.

* * *

August 19 2016

Kurain Hill

4:00 pm

Apollo ripped the visor off his face and took a deep breath, frowning when the stench of rotting body hit his nostrils. That, and the heat from the sun that was almost directly above them, made for a very nauseating effect. He promptly made his excuse to go wandering off into the woods so he could vomit in peace, Gumshoe and Ema looking after him in concern.

"Is he...?" asked Ema, letting worry cloud her voice. And...was that a slight hint of contempt for the young technician? Gumshoe held back a snort; Ema was only a year or two older than Apollo. _Kids these days_, he thought.

"Oh, rest assured he's fine," Kristoph smiled pleasantly. "He's only been at this job a few weeks."

Ema snorted. "I can tell."

"Shouldn't you be checking the brain of the corpse?" Kristoph asked in the same pleasant manner.

"Yeah, pal. We need two hands over here," called Gumshoe, leaning over the corpse. "This guy looks pretty complex."

Ema snapped on a fresh pair of gloves, letting Kristoph pick her old ones off the ground. The senior technician looked slightly annoyed as he dropped them into a plastic bag, handing them to a younger technician. Gumshoe watched Ema as she carefully took a sample of the brain, which was now suffering from a slight case of being blown to bits by a firearm with the relative power of a rocket launcher.

"So what do we write in the report?" Gumshoe asked lightly, half expecting Ema to snap at him. Instead, she ignored him and started to hold the brain up to the light, examining it through the plastic baggie it was held in.

"I wish I'd brought my chemistry kit," she said with the air of a kicked puppy. "Then we wouldn't need to send it off for analysis back home."

"It'll take a lot of persuading to make the boss let you transfer," Gumshoe warned. "Even though she's your sister, pal."

"Stop calling me pal. Officially I'm just your subordinate." Ema gave him a benevolent glare.

"Well okay, pa-miss." He snatched the bag away from Ema and she gave a noise of protest, but fell silent as he turned to Kristoph. "Anything else we should know, pal?"

Kristoph shook his head. "Nothing out of the ordinary, sir." He added the last word as almost an afterthought, grimacing slightly as he did so. "We're ready to...take your orders," he added with a pained expression.

Gumshoe nodded. "What would you advise, miss?" he asked Ema, who eyed him in slight surprise.

"Uh..." She rubbed her hands together slightly. "Well, judging by the brain sample I examined, there's definitely something strange going on here."

_No way, pal_, Gumshoe thought. _Goodness, that Skye girl can hold a grudge_.

"And how do we act next...?" Kristoph asked, fake politeness dripping from his tone.

Gumshoe pulled a pair of sunglasses from his coat pocket and slid them on, a rare aura of professionalism radiating from him. "Cordon this area off and evacuate the premises. We've got a zombie outbreak."

"Yeeeeah!" shrieked one of the technicians, fist-pumping. They all turned to look at the young girl, who had a sheepish expression on her face.

"Trucy, have you got something you would like to share with us?" Kristoph asked smugly.

"Don't any of you guys watch _CSI_?" The girl shrugged, reached into her bag and pulled out a roll of yellow caution tape. "I'm gonna go ahead and set this up now, okay?"

Ema nodded sagely and took out some papers from her bag. "Ready to sign?" she asked Kristoph. The technician grunted and signed his name flawlessly on the pristine sheet, which Ema promptly screwed into a ball and stuck back in her bag.

"So what's the course of action here?" Apollo wandered back over to them, wiping his mouth with one hand and holding a cup of coffee in the other. Gumshoe wondered where the heck he'd gotten the coffee from, and if he could score any for himself.

"We're evacuating Kurain Village and cordoning off the area," Kristoph explained, smoothly taking the coffee from the younger technician's hand and taking a gulp of it. "Thank you for the coffee."

Apollo blinked. "Actually, that was my….uh, you're welcome. So if we've got a confirmed outbreak, what are we doing about containing the infection? I mean, it's not just this guy, right?"

Ema sighed. "No, there'll be others wandering around, but probably not too far from here. If we cordon off, say, a two mile radius from here then we should be able to contain it."

"How far away is Kurain Village?" Trucy asked.

"It's right over there, pal." Gumshoe jerked his thumb over to the oriental-style village laying a hundred metres or so to their right. "Hopefully they won't have encountered any special guests!"

"We'd best report back," said Ema, peeling off her gloves and once again dropping them on the ground, earning a swift, disapproving glare from Kristoph. She ignored him and turned her back. "We'll send an evacuation unit over ASAP. One of you might want to alert Kurain Village. Who's the best at dropping the z-bomb?"

The technicians glanced at each other before one girl cheerfully stuck up her hand. "I'll do it!" she exclaimed, looking happy to get away from the rotting corpse lying three feet away.

"Is Kay really the best person for that particular job?" Apollo asked, but Kay's glare quickly shut him up. "Never mind. _Obviously_, she is."

Kristoph smiled pleasantly and made a move to shake Gumshoe's hand. Thankfully, he still had his gloves on and reciprocated, trying to twist his own facial muscles into the same charming smile Kristoph was wearing. It made his teeth hurt.

"I wish I could say it was nice to meet you, but considering the circumstances…." Kristoph trailed off, letting the implications speak for themselves.

"You too," Ema replied with a slight nod of her head. The pair began to head back down the hill to their car, the sounds of Kay and Apollo faintly arguing echoing behind them.

"So, how are you feeling about the zombie apocalypse on the horizon, pal?" he asked teasingly. "Feeling like a hero?"

Ema shrugged. "I'm just glad I'm in the car. I can eat my Snackoos in here without running the risk of contaminating the entire damn scene."

* * *

_SOAU ACADEMY CADET RECORDS_

_NAME: Miles Edgeworth_

_ASSIGNED UNIT: Crisis Response Unit_

_GENDER: Male_

_AGE: 24_

_YEAR GRADUATED: 2016_

_GRADES:_

_THEORETICAL ASSIGNMENTS: 100% on all written tests_

_PRACTICAL ASSIGNMENTS: 100% on all field tests_

_ACADEMY DIRECTOR'S COMMENT:_

_Cadet Edgeworth is a mature and competent student and continues to excel at both theoretical and practical assignments. He will be a very valuable addition to the Crisis Response Unit for many years, but for this to be accomplished he must first build his teamwork skills. I have some doubt he can achieve this. (Maybe we could go swimming, see if that could help, hmm?)_

_SIGNED_

_Lana Skye, SOAU Director_

_Damon Gant, SOAU Academy Director_

* * *

"Hey rookie. First assignment!"

Rookie Agent Edgeworth looked up from his growing stack of paperwork and frowned. "Finally," he snorted, grabbing his go-bag and heading toward the door. "I was beginning to think the SOAU is a big waste of resources."

"It kind of is," replied his handler Phoenix Wright. He was regarded as somewhat of a legend within the SOAU-a thirty-three year old, unshaven, beanie-wearing legend, apparently. Edgeworth didn't know much about the man except about his seven-year-long leave of absence due to an addiction to grape juice. At least, that was the official reason. Edgeworth suspected there was something far more scandalous going on behind the scenes, but damn him if he was going to grill his handler on it, ruining his chances in the SOAU for a _third _time. Nope. Not going to happen.

Then again, that was what he's told himself a few minutes before he'd screwed his career for the second time, so what truth was there to them anyway?

Instead he managed to keep his cool when his new handler had indirectly called the SOAU a waste of resources, and simply frown and utter a single phrase.

"...Excuse me?" he blinked.

Wright chuckled. "The SOAU is a waste of resources. Not a complete waste, though. About 70% of our funding is unnecessary, so every year when we get our budget we either go crazy with it or keep it sitting in a locked safe for all eternity. It's pointless."

"So why does the government keep funding us if we're so completely pointless?"

"I didn't say we're _completely_ pointless. We're _relatively_ pointless."

"How does one achieve being relatively pointless?" Edgeworth asked, trying and failing to keep the sarcasm out of his tone. _Damn. There goes that raise I was hoping for. I really should learn to control my voice._

Wright just did that chuckle-that damn chuckle-again. "Well…we're only here for an emergency, and anything that might require our attention gets taken care of before it gets to our department anyway. It probably has to do with the fact that guns are ridiculously legal over here. So the emergencies never really happen."

"….Which explains why we've been called on a case right now." Edgeworth's eyebrow twitched. "Speaking of which, what exactly are we meant to be doing?"

Wright tossed a file carelessly at him, and Edgeworth raced to keep it from hitting the floor so he wouldn't be forced to play a round of fifty-two file pickup. "The Z-word, it seems. We're evacuating a building inconspicuously so the general public won't notice the living dead walking amongst them."

_Zombies on my first call? I was hoping for something a little smaller, like a unicorn, or leprechaun. Not a full-blown zombie epidemic._

"How far has the infection spread?" Edgeworth asked, thumbing through the file as Wright led their way through the car park.

"They don't know."

Edgeworth blinked in disbelief. "They…they don't know? Then why are we evacuating what may well be a safe haven for those people?"

Wright shrugged. "We have the funds to spend," was all he offered. "Say, can you drive?" he asked suddenly, gesturing to the car before them. Not a great-looking car, Edgeworth noticed, but it would have to do.

"Yes, as any self-respecting man should these days," he answered suspiciously.

"Great! You can drive then."

"Why can't you?"

"I can't."

"I know, but why?"

"I can't. Drive, I mean."

At this Edgeworth's mouth fell open. "You…you can't drive," he stated flatly. "How did you even pass the academy if you can't drive? I had to take several tests in defensive driving, _o_ffensive driving-"

"Yeah, you never really get to use them," Wright chuckled again, strapping himself into the passenger's seat. "I've never had the opportunity myself."

"You didn't get the opportunity because you never had the skills," Edgeworth snapped, furrowing his brow. "Where are we going?"

"I'll give you directions," was all Wright said, before pulling a….bottle of grape juice out of his bag. Edgeworth grimaced as he pulled out of the parking lot.

_Why did I sign up for all this drivel?_

* * *

**So, like it? Hate it? Couldn't care less? Tell me, because then I know what works of mine to give priority to. Make sure you have your say. Vote now!**

…

**Nah, I'm just screwing with you/ Seriously though, feedback is my friend. And my lover. And also my baby. Feeling creeped out? I bet you are. Know what would fix it? Reviewing.**

…

**Nah, I'm just screwing with you again. Sorry. I do that sometimes.**

…

**Seriously though.**


	2. Chapter 2

**This took ages. I'm sorry. Criminal Minds marathons got in the way. FYI, that'll usually be my excuse.**

**Some age changes-since Edgeworth is younger in this story than in canon, I've messed around with Franziska's age to make her the same age as Edgeworth is now-24. Just to clear up any confusion ****J**** Some other characters have also been aged up, although their exact age isn't needed to understand how I much I screwed up canon… xD**

**WARNING: I changed the rating from T to M because of this chapter. Slight gore, a moderate amount of bad language, slight sexual references.**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

_I'm tired, hungry, aching in ten different places, sweat is running down my back, I've got blisters on my feet, my headache is rapidly evolving into a full-blown migraine and it's only Monday_, thought Edgeworth, wiping a sleeve across his brow. _And plus, I've got an idiot as my partner. Who I just know is going to fail and/or lecture me every time I do something even slightly not of his approval. Fantastic._

"Careful, don't accelerate so fast," Wright warned him with all the energy of a tortoise.

"_You don't even drive!" _Edgeworth almost shrieked, instead keeping his voice as even and level as he could when Phoenix Wright was in the car. "Could you not try and criticize everything I do for _two seconds?!"_

"No," his handler smirked, sipping his "grape juice" with a flourish that only served to make him look like a wannabe Bond villain. "My _job _is to criticize everything you do."

"Can you at least do it in your head? Like how I'm judging you right now for not being able to drive, but I do it politely in my head? Do you understand the concept of being two-faced?"

"I don't think that's a good ideal," Wright frowned. "It doesn't make you an especially nice person."

"But other people will never know," he replied sagely. "As long as you're not obvious about it. Like you're being now. How exactly were you once crowned 'Office King of Poker' again?"

"I only switch my poker face on in situations when it's completely necessary."

"Sure," Edgeworth snorted. 'Anyway, where the hell am I going? You never gave me instructions." _And I got lost in the ridiculously massive parking lot, _he added silently, but _Wright doesn't need to know that._

"We, my dear apprentice-"

"Stop Never call me that again."

"We, _apprentice_, are traveling to the Butz Incorporated highrise skyscraper, running a silent evacuation disguised as a fire drill. It's the closest building to Kurain Village where the zombie and a few dozen other corpses were discovered, which I find weird because it's right in the middle of nowhere, but Butz is a weird guy."

"You know him?" Edgeworth asked, wondering why he's so surprised.

"Larry Butz? Yeah, he's a good friend of mine. We went to school together."

"Small world," Edgeworth remarked. "What else?"

"Nothing else. This briefing is weirdly undetailed. Like there's something they don't want to tell us."

"Don't jinx it!" Edgeworth hissed. "Now something will definitely go wrong."

"You don't seem like the superstitious type," Wright smirked, eyebrows raised.

"I'm not," he muttered defensively. "A friend of mine once said those exact words about people 'not wanting to tell us' and when it came to pass, we both almost lost our jobs."

"Ooh. Tell me more."

"No! I barely know you."

"I'm-your-handler!" Wright reminded him in a sing-song tone.

_Ugh. Knock off the persistency, will you?_

"Later," Edgeworth said, feeling like a parent telling off a child. Wright's wounded look certainly wasn't contributing to the serious air he was going for in the few moments before the start of his first big assignment.

"Now!"

"_Later!" _Edgeworth had to restrain himself from pounding his head against the steering wheel. "You're hyped up to be this big legend in the SOAU, but when I finally meet you, you're just some overgrown man-child who can't keep his hands off a bottle of alcohol for five minutes!"

Wright's grin simply grew even wider. "That sentence implies you were excited to meet me."

_Oh, shit._

"You're mistaken," he huffed, before clamping his mouth shut tight and keeping his eyes focused firmly on the road in front of him.

_I will kill him. I will kill him._

_Someday._

* * *

The sight that faced Kay Faraday was not a pretty one.

_Name of victim: unknown._

_Age of victim: Approximately 10-11._

_Gender of victim: Female._

_COD: ….zombies?_

She pulled out her phone and began her ritual of taking pictures-evidence for the sciences department. Close-up shots, wide shots, and especially shots of the bite marks littering the young girl's body. She leant down close to the restraints she'd fastened on earlier-protocol and unfortunate past experience had taught her restraining a possible zombie was always the first and best course of action-and took a video of the fingers and wrist slowly twitching, the nerves under the quickly decaying skin slowly regaining their control. Kay estimated fifteen minutes before the young girl would have the strength to free herself out of the cheap restraints Kay was required to carry, and five before her eyes opened and she began snarling and twisting, straining her neck to take a bite out of Kay's flesh.

_Ew._

Her phone beeped, and she exited out of camera mode to find a text from Apollo waiting from here her. _WHERE ARE YOU? _it read, and Kay winced as she realised she'd broken the first rule of the SOAU: when on an assignment, always make sure someone else knows where you are. Now Apollo probably thought she'd been eaten by a zombie. Oops. She opted to call him instead of sending a text-sticky, bloodstained fingers didn't exactly mesh well with her phone screen.

Apollo picked up almost immediately. "What the hell are you doing?!"

Kay pulled the phone away from her ear, the tinny speakers making Apollo's voice seem even more screechy than normal. "I forgot to call in," she offered lamely, almost hearing Apollo's shoulders sag.

"Well, don't do it again," he muttered weakly. 'Listen, what did you find up there?"

Kay bit her lip. "Nothing good. Everyone's…everyone's gone. We got here too late."

Apollo winced. "I'll tell Kristoph we don't need to send an evac unit up here. Hey…are you okay?"

"…It's not fair," she whispered, a stray tear trickling down her cheek. "There isn't even any defense in numbers, there must be at least fifty people here and not one of them survived. _Not one. _Knowing we can never get there in time to save everyone..it sucks." They both knew it was an understatement, but it was all they could ever say about their job before they were dealt a new crisis, and were forced to move on, forget about all the victims they couldn't quite get to, the victim's whose lives were snuffed out before they'd lived a full life.

"Yeah," Apollo agreed softly, making a move to hang up. "It really sucks."

* * *

_SEXUAL HARASSMENT REPORT_

_Complainant: Miss Franziska von Karma_

_Accused: Mr. Laurence Butz_

_Date of Incident: August 9__th__ 2016_

_Date of Investigation: August 18__th__ 2016_

_Investigator(s): Athena Cykes, Simon Blackquill_

_Incident Description: Complainant was called into the accused's office to 'help replace the paper in the printer, I can't fucking figure this thing out'. The complainant leant over to pick up a stack of paper placed on the floor, at which point she could feel the accused leering at her suggestively in her peripheral vision. He then proceeded to interpret her glare as permission to squeeze her buttocks, an action she did not approve of. The accused then attempted to crawl away from the scene, but was stopped by the complainant, who resumed whipping him as 'punishment'. _

_Allegations: [REFRACTED]_

_Action Taken: As Larry Butz is the president of this company and therefore paying us, the Board has reviewed his case and decided to not take action until evidence arises against Butz of another separate incident of harassment. For the record, we do not trust von Karma and have little indication of how much of her report was exaggeration._

_Signed: Athena Cykes, Simon Blackquill, August 19__th__ 2016_

* * *

_August 19 2016_

_Butz Incorporated_

_5:00 pm_

Franziska von Karma could almost have screamed when she saw the report posted in her cubicle.

"Foolish little…" she muttered, ripping it off her computer monitor and crumpling it into a ball. She tried throwing it across the room and into the garbage bin, but it ended up hitting her co-worker's cubicle divider and bouncing off harmlessly into the aisle. "Scheiße!" she all but screamed, stalking over and putting it back where she'd intended. Stifled laughs and snickers resounded around the room, lasting for a nanosecond before they were gone. _Good, _she thought. _At least I still have a reputation around this shit-hole._

Franziska hated working for Butz Incorporated. She hated the drive to work every morning, the heavy traffic often earning her a scolding from her superior even though it was clearly not her fault. She hated the smarmy attitude of her jealous co-workers, who were always looking to one-up her just because she was better at her job than them. She hated the workplace itself, with its cubicle dividers too close together, the stark walls that still bore tiny holes from where a bunch of paintings had been hung and then sold to avoid a bankruptcy scare, and the garbage bins that were never close enough to her desk to have a realistic chance of actually landing something in it. But most of all, she hated Larry Butz.

And that was why she made up a story about Butz squeezing her ass.

Okay, she hadn't made up all of it; she was perfectly aware that Butz liked her. She was even more are that his love for her was unrequited and unfit for the workplace. Unlike her, Butz had never realised this. So she fabricated a little story to try and get him investigated, because although von Karmas are perfect, they also were not afraid to play dirty.

_von Karmas are perfect, _is what her father used to say. _Still said_, she reminded herself, _except now he says it from the inside of a jail cell. The perfect prisoner. _Not like Miles Edgeworth, her adopted brother. Oh, how she hated him. He was a failure at everything he ever achieved, and didn't deserve to breathe the same damn air as a von Karma, let alone share their house for nine years. Her father had adopted the little freak when he was nine, and he'd moved out as soon as he'd turned eighteen. She couldn't blame him; she supposed it would be hard to live with a girl who bested him at everything he tried.

To be honest, Franziska couldn't understand how he'd managed to pass the SOAU Academy in the first place.

To be even more honest, she wasn't sure how she'd been kicked out less than halfway through the course.

_Damn it, _she thought, exhaling a sigh of irritation. _Nothing ever goes my way_.

* * *

_August 19 2016_

_Butz Incorporated_

_5:00 pm_

"I see what you mean about this place being isolated," Edgeworth remarked, stepping out of the car and into the heat of the sun. "All I can see is Kurain and a few skyscrapers way in the distance."

"Larry was always a weird guy," Wright offered lamely. "I never really got him."

"It's your call how we start," he replied, taking off his sunglasses and squinting in the brightness from the sun.

Wright shrugged. "Talk to Larry? It's me, he knows who I work for. He'll understand."

"You think it's a good idea to tell this Larry that we're trying to prevent a zombie apocalypse from taking over his company?"

"He'll take it well."

"You sound pretty sure of yourself."

"To be honest, I don't think he'll care. He'll just laugh and go 'yeah, whatevs, do what ya hafta do,' and play video games waiting for us to finish." Wright wiped his brow. "So, we agree?"

"For once," Edgeworth agreed, letting Wright lead the way inside the building. "You seem to know where you're going."

"Oh, I've been here before," Wright explained, striding through the glass automatic doors into the reception area. "And by 'before', I mean once every Friday. Friday is drinking night."

"I see." Edgeworth's tone was flat and unamused. "Every Friday?"

"Every Friday. If all goes well today, we'll have another one tomorrow night. You interested?"

"No. I have things to do on Friday nights," Edgeworth replied shortly.

"Like what? Memorizing the dictionary?"

Edgeworth stiffened. "Important things," he reiterated. "Things I'd like to keep private."

"Oh, so like masturbating or hookers." Wright nodded sagely. "Yeah, I get it."

"That is not what I was implying!" Edgeworth spluttered.

"May I help you?" a young lady smirked at the reception desk. Edgeworth flushed and hung his head slightly. Wright just smiled charmingly and flashed his badge quickly at the woman.

"SOAU. We need to see Larry Butz…Calisto Yew," he said, bending down to read her name tag.

She giggled. "Oh my. The SOAU? Twelfth floor, the office at the end of the hall. You can't miss it, it's the only office here with a four-poster bed." She hid a snicker behind her hand. "Mr. Butz really likes that bed." She started cackling like a hyena. Wright's smile only faltered when he turned around.

"Thank you," he called, practically racing to get to the elevator. "Creepy woman," he muttered when they were out of earshot.

Edgeworth's face was pale. "We're going up in the elevator?" he asked, a slight stammer present in his voice.

Wright frowned. "Why? Don't like them? You can take the stairs if you like."

Edgeworth nodded frantically. "Please."

Wright chuckled. "Okay, but be quick. I'm not waiting for you up there."

Edgeworth nodded curtly and promptly took off up the stairs, hopping two or three at a time. Wright shook his head in an almost affectionate manner. Kids, he thought, smiling to himself as the elevator doors pinged open. _He's almost…cute._

Then he realised the enormity of what he'd just thought, and quickly turned his thoughts to more harmless things, like rainbows and kittens.

_Like that's any less telling._

* * *

_August 19 2016_

_Butz Incorporated_

_5:15 pm_

It had been ten minutes since Wright had hopped in the elevator without him, and frankly, Edgeworth was getting damn sick of waiting at the top of the stairwell for him.

_It's only twelve floors. Twelve floors! How can it take ten minutes to zip up twelve stories in an elevator?_

Unless it had gotten stuck. Edgeworth knew pretty well from experience that elevators could get stuck. Would get stuck. And they'd often get stuck in the middle of a crisis, like they knew and they were just trying to be annoying.

In any case, they were succeeding.

A thud sounded from around a corridor, and Edgeworth whipped around to find there was nothing there. The thud sounded again, from the same direction, sounding increasingly like heavy, dragging footsteps. He turned the corner and stopped in his tracks at the mess before him; bloody footsteps leading down the hall, a trail of sticky redness left on the walls, and a bloody, groaning zombie slowly shuffling towards him, holding a pipe in one hand and an unfinished report in the other.

_What the hell?! I thought we were evacuating the building before the zombies infiltrated, not as they were infiltrating!_

The zombie lurched towards him, swinging the bat clumsily. On instinct, he grabbed the bat from the zombie's hand and swung blindly, managing to catch it in the head. It made a gurgling sound from deep within its throat as it fell down, clutching at its head messily with both hands. No going back now, Edgeworth's mind told him, right as he mercilessly swung the bat down again and again, until he could feel flecks of blood dotting his face. The zombie was unmoving, a cavity in its head spilling rotting brains onto the while tiled floor, a stark contrast to the milky pinks and reds of its organs.

It was only then that Edgeworth realised what he'd just done.

_Oh, shit. Oh, fuck this is bad. If Wright finds out I did this without him to supervise me, I'll be kicked out. I won't be able to get a job anywhere in the SOAU, my reputation will be ruined, I can't-I can't tell him. I have to hide this. Forget it ever happened. And no matter what happens, I have to keep calm and act like I haven't just beaten the brains out of a zombie._

_Oh, hell, there's blood on my face, on my clothes, he's going to know just my looking at me-think Edgeworth, think! What can you do?_

He looked down at his clothes and realised that it was only his sweater that was flecked with blood, pulling it off with almost violent force and stuffing it into his bag. He reached for his phone, preparing to see the damage done to his face.

_I can't believe I'm saying this, but…it's selfie time._

It wasn't as bad as he feared; there weren't too many streaks of blood on his face, and he wiped them all off easily with a wet tissue. He almost looked presentable, he thought, before hurriedly packing his tissues away and standing by the elevator doors again, which still hadn't opened.

_Oh, for fu-_

The elevator doors pinged open suddenly, and Wright emerged, looking slightly flushed. _Remember Edgeworth, pretend nothing happened._

"The elevator stopped at the right floor, but the doors didn't open," he explained hurriedly, straightening out the blue sweater he'd opted to wear and striding down the hallway.

Edgeworth raised his eyebrows. "I think that's the first time I've heard you anxious," he smirked, glad he'd chosen not to ride with his handler. _I wonder just how much funding was put into this building. Apparently, not a lot, if there was a fucking zombie wandering around already. _

Wright attempted a laugh, but it came out as a shrill, high-pitched chuckle. "Yeah," he murmured, embarrassed by his voice-malfunction. Edgeworth just smirked some more.

_I sure could use more moments like this, _he thought. _Even out the odds a little._

"So, Larry Butz. What's he really like?" he asked his handler, feeling a little sorry for him._ Just a little, _he told himself. _I really do like seeing him suffer, but not this much. This is just…painful._

Wright shrugged, seemingly back to his old self. "Uh, there's not much to tell. Eccentric. Slightly annoying. Likes grape juice more than I do. Fancies himself a real hit with the ladies. Never had a real girlfriend."

"So…an idiot."

"Yeah, pretty much."

"And presumably one of your best friends, seeing as you attend a drinking night at his company every Friday?"

"Yeah, pretty much."

"I see."

"Yeah."

* * *

_August 19 2016_

_Butz Incorporated: Laurice Butz's office_

_5:20 pm_

"Nick! My maaaaaaaaan!"

_Oh, he's as obnoxious as I thought he would be. Fabulous._

Larry Butz was a caricature of a man, rather than an actual human being. Loud, obnoxious, attention-whorish clothes-check. Gold chains loosely hanging from his collar-check. Huge sunglasses that he had no place wearing in his darkened office-check. To put it mildly, Edgeworth already despised him.

"Larry," Wright nodded. "Good to see you! Listen, we at the SOAU have a situation."

"A situation? Are there chicks involved?" Larry waggled his eyebrows.

_How does this guy run a company?!_

Wright schooled his face into the same easygoing smile he wore everywhere. "Technically. Long story short, we're gonna need to evacuate the building."

Now Larry was frowning. "The entire thing?"

"The entire thing," Edgeworth answered loudly.

"Why?"

"Does 'zombie apocalypse' count as a reason?" Wright asked, eyebrows raised.

Larry seemed to pause. "Yeah. Whatevs. Do what you have to do. Come call me when you're done."

And with that he sank back into his beanie and resumed playing Sonic the Hedgehog.

"Larry, you need to evacuate as well," Wright said, sounding remarkably patient.

Larry looked surprised. "Wha-why? It takes more than zombies to kill me!" he smirked. "Seriously though, I'm gonna stay right here."

Wright's patience began to thin. "No, you're not."

"Nah, I'll just stay here. I'll just lock my door and finish off Green Hill Zone, if ya don't mind."

"We mind." Edgeworth's tone was icy. "Please sir, come with us and we'll escort you and your employees out of the building in an orderly fashion and nobody will be hurt." _Unless the zombie that was already in the damn building had friends who are planning to gang up on us as soon as we try to leave, which is pretty likely considering that-_

"Green Hill Zone?" Wright laughed, peering at Larry's monitor. "Oh yeah, I forgot you suck at Sonic the Hedgehog."

"I erased my progress by mistake," Larry said defensively.

Wright winced. "Ooh, sucks to be you. I erased my saved data once too, it was hell on earth. I had to start all over again, and I lost all my-"

"Is _anyone_ taking this seriously?" Edgeworth yelled, feeling tempted to punch his handler in his smarmy little face. "We've got a potential national crisis on our hands and you two are nattering on about _video games?_ We could be saving lives here!"

"Relax, kid," Larry grinned, handing him a controller. "We have time to kill."

"_We've got better things to kill than time!" _Edgeworth all but shrieked, throwing the controller away and accidentally disconnecting it from the console. "Wright, you're meant to be a bigshot at the SOAU, do you even _remember_ what happened in 2001? The Second Z-Day?"

Wright's face was blank. "….Maybe."

"People _died_," Edgeworth hissed. "I did my research. Innocent people died, all because the utter morons at the SOAU were content sitting on their fat asses and doing nothing to help them! _Nothing! _They were all _good_ people, and…" His voice faltered. "And I don't want to go down in history as a monster like they did, all because you wanted to stay inside with your boyfriend playing Sonic the fucking Hedgehog."

Wright frowned. "Edgeworth, I'm sorry if my manner was unprofessional-"

"Too late. They're already here," he replied, feeling numb.

_I'm in trouble now._

Wright's face paled. "What do you mean…they're already here?" His eye twitched.

Edgeworth sighed shakily and turned to leave. "I killed a zombie while you were stuck in the elevator. Just one. I don't know if there are more, but…" He swallowed. "The professional thing to do would be to get everybody out as quickly and safely as possible."

Wright paused, then nodded. "Alright. Change of plans. Sorry Larry, I can't stay."

Edgeworth's jaw dropped open. "You're still not coming with us?" he asked incredulously.

Larry grinned. "Those doors you walked through? Made of steel. Zombies are going to have a tough time getting through that."

"Those stairs lead to the roof," Wright said, pointing to a flight of stairs on the balcony outside. "It's safer to bring a helicopter around to pick him up rather than drag him through a potentially zombie-infested corridor."

Edgeworth blinked. "So am I getting a reprimand or what?"

"No time," Wright said grimly, already walking through the door. "Maybe if we're not dead by the time we get back to the office. Stay safe, Larry. I'd better be seeing you for a drink tomorrow night."

Larry nodded sagely. "Don't worry about me," he grinned. "I'd rather not make you drag me around. Escort missions are the _worst_."

To his surprise, Edgeworth found himself smiling at the lame joke. "Good luck."

"You too." Larry flashed them both one last thumbs up.

Then the steel doors closed, and Wright and Edgeworth were left staring at the shiny doors of the elevator at the end of the corridor.

* * *

_August 19 2016_

_Butz Incorporated_

_5:40 pm_

"Are you disappointed in me?" Edgeworth sounded like a kicked puppy to Phoenix's ears, and it made him smile. _So he does want my approval after all._

"No," he said, choosing his words carefully. "I mean, I don't like that you kept it from me, but I understand where you were coming from. Everybody fucks up on their first missions, and if they tell you otherwise, they're lying."

Edgeworth nodded slowly. "Can we walk faster?" he asked suddenly, eyeing the corridors they passed suspiciously.

Phoenix found his fear catching. "Yeah," he replied, his walk becoming brisk. "So, are you gonna take the elevator this time, or are you gonna risk getting killed on the stairs?"

Edgeworth's eyes widened. "I guess the elevator," he muttered uncomfortably. "Why aren't we evacuating anyone on this floor?"

"Nobody to evacuate," he replied simply, pressing the down arrow on the elevator. "Larry has full run of this floor. We're heading down to the eleventh and strategically going down floor by floor."

"Strategically," Edgeworth echoed sarcastically. "Right."

The elevator doors opened, and Phoenix cast a quick look behind them to make sure there were no zombies following them before he quickly closed the doors. "What? It's been proved the best strategy by far in every _holy fucking shit there's a girl in the elevator."_

True enough, a little girl lay curled up in the very corner, her black hair cascading around her little body like a halo. Her clothes were slightly bloodstained; more like she'd been in close contact with a corpse, and not a zombie herself. She sucked her thumb every few seconds, and Phoenix thought she didn't look any older than four or five.

"What do we do?" Edgeworth whispered, taking care not to wake her.

"…We go on with the operation as planned," Phoenix replied, thinking hard. "Can you carry her?"

Edgeworth looked like he was about to argue, but simply frowned and nodded. "Sure," he murmured, backing into a corner.

_Wow. Kid sure doesn't like elevators, _he thought. "Those are Kurain robes," Phoenix noticed, pointing to the girl's strange clothing. "Kurain Village is practically across the street. She must have wandered away and snuck in here."

The elevator stopped and made a ping sound, but the doors didn't open. They waited. Nothing happened.

"…Didn't you say the doors wouldn't open before?" Edgeworth whispered, sounding positively terrified.

Phoenix gulped. "They'll open soon," he assured him, pressing the button to open the door. Nothing happened. "Soon."

Edgeworth drew in a shaky breath behind him. "What was that noise?" he asked in a high-pitched voice.

Phoenix frowned. "What noise?" he asked, but then heard a dull thud from beyond elevator doors. Another. _Another_. A slow, steady rhythm that only the brain-dead could make.

"They're outside, aren't they?" Edgeworth asked quietly. Resigned to death.

Phoenix nodded slowly. "Damn. Yeah, they're…_damn_."

Edgeworth rolled his eyes. "Of course they are. Every damn time I get in an elevator…"

"Don't worry, as long as we don't make any loud noises-"

As if on cue, the little girl suddenly woke up and began to positively wail.

"….they won't know we're in here," Phoenix finished.

"No…" Edgeworth whispered, sinking to the ground and holding his head in his hands. "Make it stop…"

"Edgeworth?" Phoenix frowned. "You okay?"

All of a sudden he saw the kid's eyes flutter shut, a tear or two trickling down his face. "No…make it stop…don't do it…" he repeated, over and over again, his mantra of madness.

"Edgeworth! Snap out of it!" Phoenix said desperately, rushing over to him and the little girl.

Something thudded against the elevator doors.

_Oh yeah. They definitely know._

* * *

**Ooh, shit just got real. Tell me, should this end up slash? Because I like writing bromance just as much as I like writing slash.**

**Love it? Hate it? Tell me! Seriously, I love feedback.**

**Stay tuned for the next chapter!**


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